Trying to Get on the Morning ZOO

I spent some of today trying to get on the “Survive the Mall” contest on z100 a local radio station. I’m going to send an email to the and call in during the morning show. This is the bio I sent, it’s a joke profile (starting at I am a dynamic figure…) that made the rounds in the 99/00’s which always cracked me up.


I’m pretty new to PDX, I moved up here after a relaxing vacation in Central America. I’m originally from Massachusetts via a 10 year stint in Venice Beach, CA. There is more information and photos on my personal site but as far as highlights: I am an eclectic blend, from a Peter Pan lifestyle (that’s PPS not PMS) to having an IRA since my teens. Music is one of my passions. Have Elton John to Gus Gus and Ozzy to Ozomatli. Just saw Ozomatli recently, they are like the Gypsy Kings on crack! I’ve got close to 3 thousand albums now and still remember my very first LP, 45, CD, Tape and 8 Track. I love Mother Nature, car racing, art shows, Scrabble and Cranium.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on at lunch, making them more efficient in heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning operas. Once I treaded water for three days in a row. I cook 30-min brownies in 20. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, was scouted by the Mets and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I enjoy urban hang gliding. I am an artist, computer junkie, concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. Last summer I toured in New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick & Atlas Shrugged in one day and still had time to refurbish the dining room that nite. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA & NSA. I sleep once a week; when I do I sleep in a chair and I just maybe stole this whole profile from someone else.

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